Do you know how it feels when every night you lay down in your bed with the thought of whom you are going to lose next?

Do you know how it feels when every morning you wake up wondering if this is the last day when you are holding their hand?

Do you know how it feels to think that what if they leave and yoh never get to see their smile? If you have, then take a deep breath because you are not alone my friend.

This fear is not something to laugh upon. if you know someone who has this fear then instead of making fun of it or mocking at it, try to understand how deeply this fear has seated itself in their heart and mind. How anxious it makes them feel!

Artwork by Muhammed Sulah

It can be due to many reasons like childhood traumas, parents who were not present for you when you needed them the most, sudden death of a closed one, or being abandoned by someone you loved the most without any reasons and many more.
The fact that this fear damages our relationships and affects the way we look at intimacy, is inarguable.
This fear makes us believe that the person is going to leave us, no matter how much we love them, even a single mistake will destroy everything we have.

Artwork by rmrwork

We try different mechanisms to cope up with this pain and fear.
We try to hide our fear behind our smile so that no one can wonder how a person who smiles so beautifully, who laughs so cheerfully hides so much of fear behind that curve of lips.

We hide because we are afraid what you’ll think about us once you know how fragile we are.

We are afraid if our fear will be used against us, we are afraid that what if our scariest nightmare turns to be true.

Sometimes we push away the people we love because we are afraid of the closeness, sometimes we even agree on the things that we don’t like so that the other person won’t feel bad or better say we don’t want them to leave, we become a giver, we give, give and give, we don’t know when to stop; so we empty ourselves and love unconditionally.

Artwork by Maria Hill

We try to deal with it, there are days when we win the fight against this fear, there are days when we badly lose. It’s a part of us, and it’s not fun living with it, it gives us shivers, it makes us anxious and nervous, and sometimes it makes us push away the love which we yearn for so badly.

I’m learning how to accept my fears, I’m learning how to accept my traumas, more than that I’m learning that I can choose to be bigger than my own devils.

I’m not afraid of love, I’m afraid of abandonment, I’m afraid of seeing my loved ones leaving me. I’m afraid that the love which I do so unconditionally will one day strangle me.

Someone who knows how it feels.

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